Category: Let The Healing Begin

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healing from c-PTSD Let The Healing Begin

How to deal with the overwhelm

Pencil drawing and softly singing for dealing with intense feelings, emotional states and overwhelm..

Using your own voice while drawing is a good way to increase capacity for energetic intensity, which allows you to feel what there is to be felt without acting out, or decompensating.  Add to that as a bonus the intention to help others if you chose. This process leaves you not discharged or depleted, but energized. More able. I am describing a little of my process below. Video and text of the song is below.

Yesterday was a tough day. Many of you felt it. I knew something was up by breakfast time at 6 am.

Between the forests burning everywhere in the world and a layer of myself presenting itself that I knew was there but that 99.9 % of the time I am blissfully not feeling these days, by the time late evening rolled around, I was standing there in the dark wishing: sometimes I wish there was someone here who could just hold me, or look at me, no words, yet total understanding. Like a true companion, a true intimate, a friend. I was lucky enough to have felt seen through and through in my life and what a relief, joy and wonder that was.

However, here I was with all that intensity going on – so much to feel and hold all at once – and I considered my actual options at the time. There were the confines of the living situation. Screaming into a pillow…rejected…it would not lead to growth, or true relief, just energetic discharge, useful at a certain time, but for me no longer something I want. Drama and breakdown, not interested, cry myself to sleep…only to feel totally drained for at least a whole next day, no thank you.

I stood there wishing for a moment that I played any musical instrument masterfully, at least well enough, so that I could express all this musically, one of the greatest gifts, alas, I play no such thing. Energy – contained.

What did I have? Ah, pencil and paper, right there, and my voice. I already knew that I need to work with my voice. There was my presence, willingness and intention, the ability to be there for myself, and I started drawing and softly singing, the voice almost breaking several times. After a couple of minutes I thought: I will record it and turned the old cell phone on.

This is for all those in need of being held, all the innocent creatures running from the flames, fleeing the fire or being burnt, and all those who cannot move.

It is time for everyone to wake up and start being true to who they are, how they know themselves to be. It is time.

The world is literally burning up. For how long are we, as humanity, going to distract ourselves? Waking up and living in the ground of being is needed. Growing up into a harmonious being, divine and human child, divine mother/feminine and divine father/masculine present and developing the higher mind, the deeper feeling and the more joyful, innocent energetics. It does not matter what your outer physical or your inner orientation may be, everyone needs to develop this to move on to a higher level.

In the Western world (or patriarchal culture in general), the true heart, the capacity for caring, loving and compassion in deeper and wider and infinite measure, is quite underdeveloped. For those with a limited nervous system capacity (who often suffered from c-PTSD or see themselves as  empaths), it is important to recognize the capacity of your nervous system container, and, if it serves, to work to increase it.

This video is in part a demo of being with intensity that is too much, without suppressing it and just moving on to some unrelated project in life, trying to forget about it. When the container is full, there is either overflow or explosion, depending on the pressure. What is needed is: growing the container bigger, a “being with”, a presence, and channel the energy into something that can be worked with, much like in sexual alchemy, where the non-discharged energy can be used for work, building higher bodies, for creativity.

So this video is an example of the overwhelm, the agony, the feeling, the longing, the heart wrenching pain – expressed with the tools of untrained voice and paper and pencil.

You can hear the trembling, and the drawing at times. I am happy to report that there is no drained feeling the next day, no despair, but quite the opposite, energy to work with….whatever I might “think of” or feel about it today.

This song is for my own self, all the infants and little kids everywhere who are not being held like they need to, from then on making it through life the best they can, and for all the forests and jungles burning all over the world and all the living creatures in it. I put most of the words into the video, and the entire text on the web page for those who want to google translate.

Disclaimer: Although this process left me energized this morning watching and also allowing yourself to feel this could nonetheless trigger in you spaces not easy to be with. Presence highly recommended.

Nervous system regulation and being at the limit of one’s capacity is nothing new for those with a history of early infant and childhood trauma.

If you try this, you will make up your own words.

It is important to feel it all, rather than suppress it or deny it…and this process helps you do that while staying present.

There are many ways to deal with activated states approaching overwhelm. This here does only requires a pencil, paper and your own voice. You can feel everything, don’t deny anything, but commit to softly singing to yourself.

Start drawing and start singing. The process takes about 10 minutes, maybe longer, maybe less.

Give it a try

It is not an energy discharge, but capacity building and a creative process, that will not be depleting or incapacitating.

I Am Holding You

I am holding you
I am holding you
Through all the tears I’m holding you
When no one else will

I am holding you
I am holding you
Forever holding you
When no one else will

I am holding you
I am loving you
I am holding you
When no one else will

I am loving you
I am loving you
When no one else will
I am holding you

I am holding you
I am holding you
forever in my heart

I am holding you
Through all the flames and burning
I am holding you
Through all the lonely times

I am holding you
for growing up and screaming
I am holding you
Forever in my heart

I am holding you
through all the fires burning
I am holding you
Through all the dying pain

I am holding you
through all these fires burning
I am holding you
forever in my heart

I am holding you
through all these fires burning
I am holding you
through agony and pain

I am holding you
forever in my heart.

I am holding you
if you did try to run away
I am holding you
forever in my heart.
Forever in my heart.

In the safe space of this womb,
come again, my love
In the safe space of this womb
come again, my love

For I have to give my heart today
For I have to live this heart today
For I have to live this heart today

Forevermore again again

I am holding you
I am loving you
Come again come again my friend.

 

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Let The Healing Begin The Unruly Gardener Speaks

The compassionate Buddha is better than the fuckhead Buddha

So there you have it.

The compassionate Buddha is better than the fuckhead Buddha ~ E.J. Gold, quote, morning show, July 25, 2019.

He went on to say something like: in the fuckhead Buddha, it just cancels out, no real good is one.

I’ll explain what it means to me, or how I interpret this, but not having a conversation about what it means to be better and if such a judgment is justified.

Imagine or say there are two people, humans,  who have had the same level of awakening, realization of the Absolute reality with the same degree of embodied “drench”. Never mind how, by what means, this occurred and how they each “got “ there. They each had their path. Never mind too that there is that level where it all really is just as it is and it is okay….and that place where it is all a dream.

So here we have the two Buddhas in human incarnation, and one is compassionate and the other is a fuckhead. (and no, you all know what that means, and I am not having a discussion about how to define compassion or fuckhead either)

To me the fundamental difference is: one has grown up and the other has not.

It means one is mature and the other is immature.

It means one cares and one does not give a shit, stuck in the me me me phase.

Why do I say that?

Because, when you have done the work on self, when you have traversed the terrain of dark night of the soul, when you have learned to tolerate feeling everything, when you have learned to regulate your nervous system, when you have examined yourself and your patterns, beliefs and origins and why you really act the way you do at any given time, when you have faced your dark side, when you have developed self compassion on your way to growing up out of automatic emotional reactivity, when you actually have done the work of growing up and developed an ability to deeply care about everything because your heart is open…you will not go on hurting others, you will rather know to do right action and words in the moment, do what is actually helpful, relieve suffering, be in service of the whole. You will have developed compassion, you will be compassionate

(note: some may have an easier way to get to that point than others, karma is….)

You also, having freed yourself – through self observation, self-study, therapy or what not – from the narrow confines of familial, energetic and cultural conditioning, when you have worked with your nervous system enough to actually no longer have to fall into automatic survival responses of any kind, you have then a degree of freedom and presence – that you simply don’t have not having gone through the process of – growing up.

So, back to our two Buddhas drenched to the same degree with “wokeness”. The mature Buddha, the compassionate one, can actually consistently act in a manner congruent with his or her realization and highest knowing. That one is truly capable of being present. There is actually have a higher degree of freedom to do and be.

He or she can actually become a force, an agent for evolution and speak truth without traumatizing anyone in any kind of even subtle way, be a true Bodhisattva, and that is better than being a fuckhead. That is my take on it.

The fuckhead Buddha, if he/she so chooses, can be a BIT, a Bodhisattva in Training. A fuckhead Buddha may have done the work of awakening, but not the work of growing up and as a result, keeps hurting  others.

At the same time, for anyone in the process of maturation: be kind, patient and compassionate with yourself.

It is okay to be a work in progress.

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Let The Healing Begin The Unruly Gardener Speaks

Caring and the mother code

What if you don’t care about something, some”thing” like animals?

After all, in a way there are just like a backdrop for us humans to use or enjoy, right? They don’t really have sentience, or emotions, right? No inherent right for beingness, so human abusing them by the billions does not really matter?

During one of the courses I attended, the presenter mentioned one of the things they didn’t care about. I found myself not angry, but rather surprised and a bit disappointed, but I respected them and their work so much, and it is so good for so many and the planet, that I just filed it away. But it did actually hurt inside hearing it. I have also, for myself, come to understand the truth of a quote attributed to Anatole France “Until one has loved an animal a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.”

It is true, no one should tell anyone else what they are supposed to care about. For me too, caring about something does not mean I have to give to give my life and energy and resources to it. For me, there are

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healing from c-PTSD Let The Healing Begin The Unruly Gardener Speaks

How being in second life helped me grow up and heal

A few years ago, the Institute for the Development of the Harmonious Human Being (IDHHB) started an exploration into using Second Life (SL) as a work tool, a tool for transformation and service as well as a tool to stimulate past life memories and broaden one’s consciousness footprint. It was an ever changing environment then, with lots of activities and changing sceneries and lots to learn. This blog post is more focused on my own journey than all that was happening back then in the Ashram (that would be filling a book).

Even though I felt a little bit like I felt when the call went out to join safaris in D2 a decade earlier, meaning some trepidation and a hint of disdain, if I were honest, I didn’t really know anything about Second Life or the people that go there.

I decided to participate and of course, as with the exploration of any new area, there were growing pains. At that time, child avatars were still permitted, and I found myself drawn to those more than the adults or non-human characters. I had a few adult ones, but on a subtle level, noticed a resistance to using them. So unless it was required to show up as an adult, I started out exploring as a child. This was at a time I had not actually put a name to the nature nor the extent of the trauma that I have had to deal with all my life, as trauma is in the nervous system but I didn’t remember anything commonly recognized as trauma, so I was never aware that that was what I was dealing with.  However,

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Let The Healing Begin

What if the broadcast goes down – telepathy

Crutches and what if the broadcast goes down – telepathy anyone?

On the spiritual path, at first, when attempting to focus or maintain intention, we use crutches. Images of saints or gurus, candles, incense, music, certain bodily movements or positions or mantras.

It helps the body-mind, in the beginning stages especially, to focus, to practice on the path to more freedom, to awakening, to realization.

Ultimately, the purpose of such external things, crutches, as a means to accomplish anything will become optional or a need for them unnecessary.

Inspiration and creativity will guide movements and words and the process of doing, of action, becomes effortless, even though work still is getting done.

Music has some real effects on one’s body-mind.

Voice and touch and movements do too.

Your sacred space does have an effect.

Your practices do.

There may come a time when internet is gone. There may or may not be electricity, you might even have to move and your beautiful space is gone.

It is at this time when your habits will carry you through. You ability to be open, to listen, to hear, to see with your entire being, your body-mind and your energy body.

So what are we to do when the broadcast goes down during the Birdie Transformation Program/Distance Energy Healing?

Okay, the Birdie part is available online.

And what about the Distance Energy Healing?

The healing hour will continue, with or without broadcast, with or without music.

It remains a time for you stop your usual activities, a time to drop in, to connect with self and the space of the group.

I was recently reminded of something: we exist and have access too non-physical spaces, and those spaces can be shared. Communication can happen in those spaces.

As a matter of practice, I am suggesting 2 things:

One, be aware of how music influences your state of being, you ability to access internal spaces and states of being.

Two: to pay attention to the space you end up during the healing event, what it felt like, whether you see or hear anything in your mind’s eye or ears.

As our body-mind gets more unobstructed energetically, as old beliefs, judgments and blocks get cleared, it will be more easily possible to meet and communicate telepathically within the group.

It is possible to “know” what is happening, to be in the same spirit realm-space and perceive and report back in 3 D reality.

It will take time and practice. One of the things to help trust is this: getting positive feedback.

This can only happen with sharing. Sharing your impression, perception, and intuitions during the healing time-space.

Why is this important: to be able to communicate without the crutches of the internet and electronics, voice or written notes, solely through intuition, high sense perception and expanded consciousness.

It starts with intention, then paying attention, and the action of sharing.

I invite those participating who are interested in practicing this aspect of telepathy/shared spirit space – let me know, and we will set up something.

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Birdie Transformation Program Let The Healing Begin

How to power intention

How to power intention

We all have done it,  New Year’s resolutions, planning something, making a “goals and aims” list, then …we put in the effort, try to muster up the will and then, we have success, or we fail, another learning experience under our belt.

We alter the goals, make them realistic so we can have more sustained success, we keep trying.

We change to make the steps even more realistic, try to build them into daily routines, daily practice so they become habits, and there is some success. Maybe we get to a point to clarify or shift our goals because we have changed, some unconscious block released, maturity happened. Still, often there is effort involved still.

That is all okay.

There are tendencies in our body-mind that will continue to need our vigilance and renewed commitment to be able to manifest a desired way.
In the process of practices, or “dirt time”, we learn.

Building new habits is a good way to go.

But then there is this: big, fundamental life and meta programming changes and goals. Soul intention, healing and alignment. Here working with intention means your highest possible intention for your life you can come up with at the time.
Setting a clear intention and visioning the end result, how it will look, feel, sound or be.
And then: power it.

How?

With passion, with feeling, with emotion, with persistence, with practice, with developing a humble disposition, with asking for help, with not letting go of that intention, with not giving up on that intention. With being open for that intention to manifest, with being willing to follow your inner guidance to do what needs to be done. With being willing to let go of your idea how the path to the manifesting of the intention looks like. With being willing to accept what source brings into your life and energy field for the intention to come to life as your lived reality. Because that intention is something you hold all the time. It is the over-reaching goal in which all the rest of your life happens and you can trust that.

Humans feel, like all mammals and possibly all sentient beings everywhere. They have the gift of emotional energy. In humans, there is desire and passion. What do you really feel drawn to and pulled by. What turns your life on? What is it that feels right in your body and soul?
Emotional energy provides fuel for intention to manifest. Experiment with varying degrees of energy and attention placed on your goal.

And then, someday, somehow, grace happens and you simply notice effortless action and manifesting of the intention, sometimes day in-day out. That is amazing.

But here is the thing: you develop a burning fire, a flame that fuels the manifestation process of your intention. It does not have to be a roaring and all consuming fire all the time, or ever, but it is a fire you never let go out, even if some days, because you forgot, all you have left are some glowing embers which need a little breath to make a flame, like a little reminder during your morning practice minute: I am open, I am willing, please help we with: ….your intention here.

Setting intention is one part of the process. Some part of your attention stays with the intention, and then – give it some power….with emotional energy, feeling.

Don’t know how to feel? Okay, no worries. Accept that you don’t know how to conjure up emotions or feelings.

Just pay attention when you DO feel anything like love, joy, desire, pleasure….maybe when playing with a child, holding an animal, being in nature ….then…notice the feeling and remember the goal of your intention…and put it there with that feeling. Keep doing it.

And notice what keeps you from feeling – fear of it being too much, beliefs about whether or not it is appropriate? Eliminate those false beliefs and barriers within you.

As you can see, that overarching intention might bring to you things and situations you need to face and deal with…and when it happens, deal with it.

You could imagine feeling the goal, the object of your intention, as the beloved.

You could do a ceremony for yourself, dedicating your life to that beloved, aligning your will, your self with that highest intention.

Discover who you are, from the original intent out of the void, to your soul’s blueprint, to manifesting. When aligned with that, you can fulfill your destiny, your mission, however that looks like for you.
The spirit then moves through you, making use of all you have learned and all the means available to you.
Every single one of us is different. That is why it makes no sense to look outside of your self. I see people who do amazing things, apparently have gone through great transformations, living and experiencing things that are incredibly beautiful, and I rejoice for them. “I” would not want to have to live they they do. It is not who I am, who this soul is meant to be, how alignment with Divine Will looks like for this soul.
The saying of Rumi’s is so so true, paraphrased: Let yourself be pulled by what you truly love.
Following your yearning, your deepest longing.

What is it you love doing and being?

Sometimes that inquiry leads to some unexpected discoveries.

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Birdie Transformation Program Let The Healing Begin

Week 001 – Birdie Transformation Program – BirdieTP

Week 001 – September 7, 2018

Okay here you are. Your life is about to change, it will get even better. Let me just share a little about my path. I started on a conscious deliberate healing journey 28 years ago, and to this day, the process of healing, transformation and learning continues. I suspect it will be so till the day I move on to a different plane altogether.

Some things about human life are fundamental. Food, shelter and connection.

During week one, we will take a first look at two material basics: housing and food.

Homework

WEEK 1 –

Food and Shelter

The first 3 days of the Week:

As you go about your day, take mental notes about your house/apartment and the foods you eat.

It really would be best to do this using a diary and writing down your observations. Write down what you notice each day.

How do you feel regarding where you live and what you eat? Remember, this is not to judge in any way, it is simply finding out something about it, putting it into the foreground, fully in view.

Ask yourself some questions, like:

Do I feel safe here at my place of residence?

Do I like my place?

Is there anything I don’t like about it?

Are there spaces in the house where I feel especially good?

Can I sleep well here?

Do I like coming back to my house after work, after I have been away?

Is it clean, dusty, filthy messy etc?

Is there good water to drink?

How is the air?

Do I have a special sacred place in my house/apartment?

What do I eat every day?

Do I enjoy the food, appreciate the food, take enough time to eat the food?

What do I know about the quality of the food?

How do I feel after eating the foods I eat?

Just observe for 3 days – Saturday, Sunday, Monday, no actions, no changing of anything. Write down what you notice about your house/apartment and about the food you eat, how you like it and how it makes you feel.

On day 4

Sit with your list, read it, or think about it. Or you can be lying in bed and contemplate it, or in a bath or shower. Contemplate about the questions below, answer them without thinking how it might be possible.

Don’t actually do anything other than think about it and imagine it. Listen to your intuitive answers, notice what comes up, notice what you want. You can investigate it later.

Is there anything in my place/residence that I think would be good to change?

Is there anything I want to change?

Is there anything I can change?

Is there a food that would be good to add to my diet?

Is there a food or drink that would be good to no longer eat?

What changes in food might be good to make to have me feel better.

Just write a whole list of things that come to mind.

Don’t be afraid, you won’t have to do them all.

Imagine some changes or living conditions you would love…and really feel how good that would feel to you.

Day 5

Waking up, taking charge, here we go: what if we changed something today? Yes, today is the day.

Today, change one thing in your house that would make you feel better about living there. Make it a change you can do fairly easily, a big change or small change, just a change. If there is nothing you can think of that would make the place more perfect, add some beautiful flowers and feel the effect.

Change it – do it

Notice how it feels having made that change.

Day 6

Change 1 (one) thing about how and what you eat or drink that day that would make you feel good, both at the time as well as later, no guilt no shame.

Do eat it, or don’t, depending on the nature of your change.

For example, your change could be skipping dinner, or not have that extra cup of coffee, or eating a piece of fruit, or making fresh juice.

Notice how it feels having made that one change today.

Day 7

Sharing

Come to Friday online healing event and share if you wish.

Share your experience on the facebook page: Let the Healing Begin