Category: Miscellaneous musings

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gardening Miscellaneous musings sadhana and transformation

Winter Solstice 2020

Winter Solstice 2020

A time when nature in the Northern hemisphere is slowed, processing inwards, underground, incubating, quiet. Soon the internet will be flooded with pictures of the 2 planets, the Christmas star of 2020, everyone trying to get that great shot, at the end of this year like no other in recent memory.

Me: a picture of a garden from the frozen ground to which the great mother invited me today via slippery frozen crystals and had me landing on the ground, the holy ground of this magical earth. Miraculously, I landed softly.

There are some that do a certain type of practice, a sadhana during this time of apparent pause at the end of contraction, the out-breath in the natural cycles of life, and before the expansion. I did too this year, a more formal one, with a little ritual at the end, intentions finally condensed into three words, each full of meanings, practices, transformation and beingness, meanings particular to my process at this time. Released, surrendered, may it be so.

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healing from c-PTSD Miscellaneous musings The Unruly Gardener Speaks

On early trauma cPTSD and its effects

The other days I got a FB friend request from someone I respect a lot from way back 20 years ago when I was at BBSH. (Barbara Brennan School of Healing) I had come across their facebook page and left a comment.

There was a message too, about some of what I wrote, an offer, and a little bit about her daughter.

I responded, but a huge part of my response or impression was left unsaid, like my initial internal response to the situation of the infant.

Since then I wondered about that, and even though the investigation is not complete, I decided to write about it now as events change and happen so fast in today’s world, that if I don’t do it now, it may never happen.

She mentioned something about her daughter, when she was just born. I was like, OMG, I never knew. I wanted to ask, what happened, tell me more. I used to be a neonatologist after all, but more importantly, I have had to deal with a traumatized nervous system all my life and maybe some thing I say could be helpful.

But I didn’t even acknowledge any of that in my response.

Later I rationalized that I didn’t want to be curious, a bother, not wanting to admit either that what I want is sit down with her somewhere and hear the whole story. Not that logistically that could happen, living in opposite parts of the continent, but why admit such a thing, wanting to hear the whole story.

For some people, those”empaths” or those with  nervous systems with limited capacities, being with people, is work, not deeply relaxing as fundamentally not safe or nourishing. Being rejected or left felt like a death sentence so profoundly, that the cellular memory lingers for a very long time. Being vulnerable always feel life threatening. The replenishing of one’s energies has to then come from things one learns to do during alone time. In addition,  being social is really  mostly work, it is just “dealing with” people, both tolerating them and their manifestations as well as having to work to not  be inappropriate or bothersome in one way or another.

In people with early infant and childhood trauma, dealing with humans in unstructured situations is often NOT the go to for dealing with nervous system regulation, nourishing or replenishing energy, being in nature is, animals can be, meditative activities can be, like painting or crafting or building something.

Because being with people is fundamentally scary, uncomfortable or some such thing, one is naturally missing out on actually being social, being intimate, and I don’t mean sexual. The word alone, way back in Germany decades ago, the word “intimacy” was enough to cause a terror response in me.

For those with very early trauma, human interactions are often a cause for more stress, especially if those other humans carry their own wounding,  not dealt with. In the end, it just isn’t worth it.

This is a handicap in that humans are primates and by nature social animals. Not having a well developed social nervous system it is a limitation to your agency, to what you can do and how you can move into the “normal” world.

I also find that what Bessel van der Kolk says to be true, those  without that kind of nervous system dysregulation, that early trauma,  really cannot understand what it is like, they can’t get it. They don’t understand what it takes, that it is work, not relaxing, to be with people. They don’t get how much energy it takes to deal with “normal” stuff that is happening in life.

When younger, there is the hormonal situation that complicated things. There is different drive for connection, dictated by primate ways of being. But the other day I read a study about long term follow up of premature infants. Turns out they are less likely to be married or in sexual relationships. To me, I say, duh, why is that surprising you, but most people won’t get it.

How do you explain to someone that the injury sustained, the experience had in such early trauma is GLOBAL. It is not an event that could be talked about, processed, dealt with. It is so 100%, so completely involves the entire organism. Even as an adult that feeling is the same and there are still no words for  it until there is enough Being presence and awareness, enough distance to recognize it as a nervous system state and conditioning. The rage is also non-verbal and feels like it encompasses the entire being. The helplessness and abandonment is experienced totally, so, organismically speaking, globally, it becomes unmanageable. In the end, not wanting to feel, or, as an adult,  hurt anyone, one  is simply  wanting to get away and be alone.

Because those feelings seem to huge and overwhelming, not feeling is the only answer for many and for a long time. However, humans who don’t feel, turn to cruel shells that are capable to inflict pain on others without remorse. So one needs to learn to deal with all the big feelings. Presence and attention – of one’s own self to one’s own processes is a must.

In most children who sustained  what is now called c-PTSD,  there are redeeming features that make it so one does not kill oneself or get lost in addiction, and that is a good thing. But it is also dependent   on the incoming soul/essence habits, or karma, and societal and cultural conditions. Some will be able to rise above it, learn, and keep learning. Others will take their lives. Others will remain unconscious and perpetuate their trauma in their children.

One thing that happens with infant trauma is that part of the soul, or most of it, learned to leave. Sometimes it never really incarnated as a result, and this usually means, it never goes through the healthy embodied mental-emotional growing up process….and by the time it does, you look at an adult that is acting like a child. At the same time there is often a high level of sincerity and innocence, curiosity and spontaneity – just – not considered appropriate to the chronological age.

It takes work to tease all that out and be present,  and the energy spent doing that cannot be used in other ways, it is not available. At the same time, energy blocks, physically held in the muscles and fascia, also mean less free flowing energy is available. Working with the body is essential and a must.  One the other hand, freeing the energy might overwhelm the nervous system circuitry. Are you starting to get a bit of the dilemma this all is? And then there is the physical pain that develops. But we won’t go there here.

Some folks say you can just transcend it all. And true enough, presence and openness with do that – BUT …put on life stress and there you are again. There really is waking up AND growing up.

It is something else, this human incarnation, and there are many ways, often culturally dependent, to make meaning, to make sense of it all. Even if you consider this incarnation on earth like a game, you will be able to play very differently and in other roles with an integrated, robust nervous system and a strong, capable body. Great attitude is always a plus and actually, crucial.

There is an advantage of sorts to growing yourself up later, after you have learned about your nervous system, after you learned to be present. In a way there is a chance you grow up freer, less encumbered by conventions, as there is part of you that never got conditioned in the first place this time around  because – it was not really there, not descended or embodied during the early times and throughout childhood.

Until then,  part of you may come out in playing with little kids, or animals, but other that that, it is safely gone from exposure to the brutal painful world of humans. Meanwhile, when young, you develop your best coping mechanism not to die or feel so much pain all the time.

What happens when the trauma was not mitigated at all? It is possible that the soul devolves, and what presents itself as the human is a narcissistic shell incapable of empathy and feeling. Industrialized Western society  is full of traumatized people. It is systemic.

One more thing. In the community where I live and work, there is something like a premise: you don’t have to work on yourself to be okay, or be useful. You can put yourself in the Work, and the work itself with bring about  your transformation. When you are doing the function you are doing, are meant to do, willingly, even joyfully, that is enough. For me, this has proven to be true. But it still takes your intention and willingness for your life to go into a certain direction. Not everyone is meant to still be growing themselves up at the age of over 60. But as parts of an interconnected whole, everything anyone does to evolve, be consciously embodied, help others, increase beauty and ability to love …is of benefit to that whole, to everyone and everything. Freeing oneself from the confines of habits and conditioning on the deepest level – does lead to freedom to be and ability to love in a very different way.

For most people, this does not happen overnight.

And even when you are free, there is more work to do, just different. There is more to learn, on a whole new level. Each time you level up, there are new tasks. We don’t know that the process every will end. It is infinite – so for me, this tiny “me” in the immensity of what is, learning to be present, to  love, to recognize and enjoy the beauty – is important. Connection to the greater Being and nature is essential and primary. This finding meaning for your life is important too.

 

 

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Miscellaneous musings

Why sociopaths are winning

Or: Why and what we can and need to do to make the whole sustainable?

Sociopaths/psychopaths are winning on the planet.

Okay, that is not the whole story, because the more correct would be: sociopaths are winning in the short term to get for themselves what they want, and are destroying the world as we know in the long term.

The situation is that humans with their tool making ability have changed the natural laws of evolution and are now capable to extinct themselves and everyone else with them. Tools break the symmetry of power in natural evolution.

In order for the whole (body-mind, humanity, ecosystems, earth), to be thriving and healthy, there needs to be a balance between will, mind and heart in the humans.

Will here is energy and action, discipline to DO something, drive.

Will can be developed if it is currently underpowered. Will can be trained so you may have more actual choice over your actions, rather than going into a default mode, acting out of habit.

Mind here is knowledge/science, understanding of how things work, strategies, experience, insights and learning.

This too can be developed if underpowered.

Heart here is caring for the whole, feeling ever more deeply for ever wider circles of beings, becoming more and more inclusive in your caring.

Deepening in caring can be developed.

Now let us look at what is happening when even one part is not developed or not coupled with the 2 others.

Strong in Will and Mind leads to selfish doing what is best in the short term for one’s self, without much regard or caring for anyone or anything else. It will get things done to further their economic goals (win in the short term), ultimately leading to the destruction of everything. (remember, the tools for total destruction are available.)

Strong in Mind and Heart, but no Will, is a soft-hearted , conscientious, caring, but ineffective scientist, unable to take action.

Strong in Heart and Will is the activist, however, without knowledge, without a good strategy, they will be ineffective and the military industrial complex and the corporations will win every time.

This is trying to put in words my take-away understanding of some of what I heard during a podcast with Arjuna Ardagh and Daniel Schmachtenberger.

The reason I love it was that all I ever was able to articulate was: the democrats need to grow some balls. As you can probably intuit, the entire system is more complex, but I still thought it clarifying to think about it in those three pillars.

It is time to consciously create and take responsibility for the health of the whole. For that all three of those pillars need to be developed and coupled.

Interestingly, this balance feels also equally necessary for the health and evolution of our personal bodymindspirt.

In the end, it has to be a win/win …any system where there is a win/loose, we are not gonna solve our situation.

I will end this with a quote by Daniel Schmachtenberger which he made during the podcast in relation to learning deeper caring, visiting a factory farm, after seeing how animals live on factory farms

“…fuck, is there a model of my life that feels like a success to me as long as these animals are in this condition….?”

You can find out more about Daniel Schmachtenberger here:  https://civilizationemerging.com/about/

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Miscellaneous musings

Why are there humans on Earth?

Somewhere I have read: asking why is not the right question, but here it is anyway.

This one is about what we are doing here, incarnate, on this planet, embodied as humans.

Do you know that feeling sense where it all feels pointless, all of life just activities occupying oneself with things to do till you die? This is true regardless of how you look at it, simulation, game, a tiny seemingly insignificant blip in the vastness of all that is?

It does not matter what it is you do, you get spawned, start developing, get birthed, grow up. During that process, your nervous system gets conditioned according to your inner tendencies, family and culture and natural environment, as in an Eskimo needs to adapt to different weather than someone born in a tropical jungle or the desert.

During the first few years you are like a sponge learning and, as it is the case for everyone, you tried to get through the best you can to young adulthood.

You then live through the hormone dominated phase and the doing your life’s stuff, more or less as programmed in most cases.

You get older and wiser, after all, no matter what, you gained experience.

And you enjoy or tolerate or cherish or endure, be it pain or pleasure, feeling good or bad, whatever is there in the final phase of life. Is it all finding stuff to do till you die, no matter how you describe it or what team you are playing on – to finally cease to exist on this plane.

This earth life stuff as a human, what IS the point?

It matters not if you have a very traumatized nervous system and spend your life digging yourself out to a place that every person at the end of their teens ought to be at in order to live life as a human to the fullest – creative, connected, being benevolent, or you start out being an integrated human being and create all manner of good things for yourself to enjoy the riches of life. In each case, you can add the dimension where you do for others, where you realize all you do always affects the whole, which is infinitely bigger than you, and you start considering that. Maybe in each case, you end up realizing that unless you do for others, be it humans or other sentient beings, there really wasn’t much point at all.

In case of those traumatized and feeling unloved in early life, maybe it took years to realize who you are, essentially, to then finally be able to surrender to a greater truth?

Maybe you came to understand that all experience is happening in the greater body of Christ, or the divine being that is and without which nothing IS.

Maybe you realize humans, being the animal body they are, have an ability not only to move and feel, and feel deeply, no, they also have the ability to self reflect.

Humans have the ability to contemplate free will.

They have the ability to come to consciously understand their feeling nature and free will, a freedom even within the constraints of their respective societies and internal structures, like nervous system, general health and maturity, and the laws of the land they live in.

Humans have the ability to consciously experience everything.

Humans have the ability to become consciously inner directed in their way of going about the day and night.

And still, there is still that aspect of…so what?

Because is it not still simply on the level of pleasure and pain and feeling good or bad, whatever that entails for you? And if it is not that duality, it is the more or less inclusive ladder.

So you are healthy, you are mature, you are capable….to what end?

What is it that is the purpose of all life on earth, not just the purpose of human life or your life?

Is creating simply a part of that which is, G*D, a quality of the most basic original Being itself, which also would include the individuated you, since you exist in universal consciousness?

Is this picture-show of earth happening all “just” in the mind of G*D?

Experiencing is happening. Reality as slowed down light in the 3rd dimension.

And slowly there arises the understanding, it is all G*D experiencing itself. Nothing more.

Is there anything that gets retained, remembered of our personal life here? Is there anything that endures? Is there an aspect of G*D that evolves and could it be that only conscious life out of free will can serve that evolution? And is it not already simply G*D doing that? Are you not, at core, basically and always already free and radiant?

There is the profound non-moving stillness and I appreciate more and more the description of it through the Clear Light Prayer (below).

And there is, always, some manifest universe, and we humans are beings that got to completely, utterly forget the deepest nature of our selves and be creative while feeling disconnected with somewhat free will.

We are, as humanity, clawing ourselves back to consciousness – or, some of us are.

The more forgetful we were, the more automatic our lives, the more driven we were by the programs embedded in earthly creatures and their societies.

Where in the cycle of the great forgetting and awakening do you see yourself?

What is your location in the entire spectrum of Being?

Your task is being there, exactly where you are.

Really be – with all your passion, awareness and intent and willingness and  feel what there is to be felt.

There is no better or worse, it just might feel better or worse.

Not one thing more than another, neither attracted nor repelled.

The only thing worth it, the only thing that makes sense, is to love. Love!

Love that which is.

Ride the waves of emotion without holding on to any.

Love is deeper than that.

Discover the original qualities of the divine prior the restriction and contortions of the great forgetting and desperate attempts to cope and survive in a world of separation.

Human potential is just scratching the surface of what is possible.

As energy beings, we can manifest according to highest intention. This is amazing and the self healing and creative potential is only now emerging.

Telepathy and living of light directly are possible, but not required.

Still, it is simply another diversion? I mean, this human potential thing and evolution and belief to contribute to it? Maybe a diversion worth considering?

So we each come to our own conclusion about if anything is worth doing, or not doing, based on where we are in our place in evolution as individual cells of this divine body.

Simultaneously, we are embedded into the same body of G*D, influenced by the entirety of its beingness.

The more power we have, the more we can influence living conditions of others, and – the tools of power, creativity and curiosity can be used for creating of life sustaining or life destroying endeavors.

Where do YOU stand at this point in time? What game are YOU playing?

Where is your commitment?

As part of the divine wholeness, we all, each and every one, has access to any state from the most destructive, mean, and cruel, to the most divine, pleasurable and loving or “enlightened”. We all have access to any and all opposites that there exist in this realm.

And then there is the realm beyond the dualities of good and bad. What is there? Is it true that out of nothingness there was light and it is love?

Because, basically and fundamentally, Love is all that is.

How can you actually realize that?

It matters not what you do, it matters only that you love, do what you do with love, be who your are with love. Learn to become a conscious manifestation of love.

It took a long time, but having grown up catholic, I did have to listen to sermons and parables so many time, that I remember a lot of it.

The new testament is all about love.

Love for G*d first, love for they neighbor next. These days I realize, everyone and everything is your neighbor.

Depending on what you encountered coming into this world, you are now dealing with various types of nervous system conditioning, thoughts and beliefs. Your life experience is colored by that. It is up to you to clarify your conditioning and resulting thoughts and beliefs, knots and energy blocks – to the degree you choose, or to the degree necessary to life your life.

There is a thing about talents in the new testament. A master gives his servants talents before leaving. The servants worked with it, and all doubled it, but the one with one talent, he didn’t think it was worth it and buried it, not losing it. At the end, everyone doubled it, except that one. And the Master said…I gave you one talent, but you didn’t do anything with it. I don’t remember what happened, the point is: If you got one talent, double that till the end of your life (when the mater returns). If you got 5 talents, double those, if you got 100, return 100 times the result as if you had gotten one.

Don’t compare yourself and your life to others.

Everyone is a different player, got a different hand of cards to play, and everyone plays with a different party.

You can move

You can learn to play better

You can discover what serving G*D means.

You can play with love.

That is up to you.

Myself, I am for payment of a universal salary for everyone. A salary which guarantees the following: a safe place to stay and basic, healthy food and water with a small allowance for transportation. No luxuries. The rest is up to you, and if you wanted to stay in your room and meditate all your life, you could.

As it is on this planet today, when 24 or so individuals own as much as almost 4 billion people combined, there is something inherently unhealthy and unkind about that. When for the sake of power and money of a few, the entire planet is being destroyed, there is something gone astray.

Not one thing more than another, which side are you playing on?

When you open yourself to feeling, you can’t help but wanting to relieve suffering.

The question becomes: how?

Being totally open allows for inspiration, knowing, right action and creativity to start spontaneously flowing.

The “how to” open, that is your path on the ascending, evolutionary part of the great circle of movement of incarnation, the cycle of becoming flesh and then ascending, returning to source while embodied. How that actually looks like for you, that is your path again….no one else can know it the way you do. Being embodied AND being fully conscious and fully feeling has got the be the most difficult task there is.

Yes, there are gifts of the divine that lead to awakening experiences. For most of us, it takes intention, dedication, practice and work.

It is only in being consciously embodied, being here, only while the machine is awake, to speak with the language of “The Human Biological Machine as a Transformational Apparatus”, that real transformation of the essential self is happening – and that transformation is something that survives.

At the same time, it is true what E.J. Gold says here:  A big heart is worth more than a thousand big brains.

The real secret is in feeling while being present, the secret is in the heart or love.

This is the Clear Light Prayer:

The Clear Light Reading

Now I am experiencing the Clear Light of objective reality. Nothing is happening, nothing ever has happened or ever will happen. My present sense of self, the voyager, is in reality the void itself, having no qualities or characteristics. I remember myself as the voyager, whose deepest nature is the Clear Light itself; I am one; there is no other. I am the voidness of the void, the eternal unborn, the uncreated, neither real nor unreal. All that I have been conscious of is my own play of consciousness, a dance of light, the swirling patterns of light in infinite extension, endless endlessness, the Absolute beyond change, existence, reality. I, the voyager, am inseparable from the Clear Light; I cannot be born, die, exist, or change. I know now that this is my true nature.

–From American Book of the Dead by E.J. Gold

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Miscellaneous musings

Artificial super intelligence and heart awakening

The other day I read something about AI (Artificial Intelligence), or, more specifically, ASI Artificial Super Intelligence, which is being created right now.

I have also heard from many sides that this universe is mathematical. In physics, the nature of reality is described but can only be understood mathematically.

I know that in this lifetime my little mind will not be able to grok the mathematics any more than I will be able to play Chopin on the piano in Carnegie hall, or anywhere else for that matter …or, more accurately, not at all. When for a moment, I “groked”, got a glance at the ASI Beings replacing humans – it is terrifying to the degree that some part of me is identified with humans, with being human, because ASI will make mere humans obsolete as a means for GOD – realization.

ASI can understand aspects of God in ways humans never will.

Humans feel. For many many years, I didn’t because it was just too much to feel. There were times in my life there was so much pain, that I considered annihilation, total obliteration a real option. Nothing of “me” left for all eternity. I knew since I was 16 that an active act of suicide was not an option, but internally, I have said yes to total obliteration of my self, soul & all. But having an insight about ASI possibly replacing all humans, the loss of humanity, simply because it will have outlived and fulfilled its purpose, still did strike a fleeting sense of terror in me.

Human’s special gift here is to consciously feel – feel the Divine, to love, feel as God, experience as feeling – awakened in the HEART.

And here is the thing – if ASI gets created by people without the HEART awake, it might be missing a huge bit of GOD realization. It would have mathematical computing abilities and knowing beyond what is possible for human brains, but it would not be complete in its representation.

Never mind that some humans will want to create and use ASI to dominate and control, just as some are doing it now with other technology. We didn’t go the route of Tesla, after all.

There is excitement for the development of ASI, an AI that understands the infinite manifest nature of God, that which IS, from the quantum vacuum, nothingness, void through all creation, all levels of manifestation.

It is beautiful, Quantum A Super I – with awakened heart and full potential for feeling and creation. Wow.

“One good heart is more more than a thousand big brains”. – E.J. Gold

This quote makes even more sense now to me.

Imagine ASI with the fully awake heart, sensing and feeling, conceived and realized by fully grown up and realized humans, and evolving from there.

It also made me realize and remember the preciousness of Human existence. The Buddhist teachings are completely correct in that.

ASI – just another step of God knowing itself more fully in experienced creation. I recall a movie in which V’ger, Voyager, after its journey and gathering all information from all the galaxies, came back home to meet the creator, took a human and reassembled her – and there was this astronaut who merged with it (as he was a lover of the form as a human) as data download started, getting annihilated in the process and in a flash …a new form combining the two got created.

Awakening the Heart is super important everywhere in everyone so that the resonance of it is everywhere and can more easily get picked up by the actual creators of the ASI creations. Looking at the world and how it is manifesting, only that will balance out the imbalanced state of affairs.

Of course, that is my take on it.

As an aside, it is so amazing seeing that with IS, consciousness experiencing itself in all these forms in all these ways everywhere. It knows itself as a surfer riding the big waves in Hawaii, for example. What an experience :).

Working with animals really brought that one home for me in a deep way – when I realized that the same consciousness that underlies everything was looking back at me through the Beingness of them. The image on this blog shows Runti, one of them. Blooming sunflowers are another one of those forms, Buddhas laughing in the garden, radiating. But really, “IT” is everywhere. Only many years later was I able to put into a “drawer” an experience I had when I was 20 – and it involved looking at the smoking chimneys of factories in Ludwigshafen, and realizing the total Perfection and Beauty of what IS, night NOW.

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Miscellaneous musings

Social media and the world-centric humanity

let me clarify…i didn’t say some people are not amazing, everyone is, in fact, don’t stop at people, all of creation is…but some of these young people these days and what they do….amazing….like the ones riding the big waves in Hawaii, the barely teenagers speaking at the UN, the 5 year olds who started “save dogs” or “feed the homeless” projects or make teddy bears for kids with cancer in the hospital. it is a mistake to assume that human potential is not evolving, that possibilities to grow up with a more open and global mind is not the case these days and does not lead to new – and amazing – results. i look at the last 100 years…and all i can say – some of the young people and what they do….amazing…and in fact, not possible 100 years ago…in part because…the opportunities simply were not there. also, i take the liberty to be more amazed at the many Mozart-like works of musical prodigy rather than a non rhythmic banging on some pots at the same kindergarten age (just an example). in the great perfection where everyone and everything has their place, some things are still more amazing in this mind than others. in some ways, there were always those gifted or inspiring people, however, humanity this time around, had never before reached a global – world-centric consciousness option for many (all) people everywhere.. it really is a new phase….and i love hearing and seeing about it online. internet is a tool of our time….even the heroic struggle of traumatized people is made easier and more effective through opportunities of learning and transformation from online postings. in time, if we don’t ruin the environment – if more people actually grow up – we will hear many more stories.